A group of local teachers worked together to organise Yuan Tze’s Motueka Workshop in March and I was privileged to be involved.
It was wonderful to get to know teachers better, deepen friendships and share the task.
There was contact with teachers around the country who had organised previous workshops and sharing of resources with openness and cooperation. I felt so connected to the wider community.
I observed a few things happening during the process (it was also full of plenty of opportunities for Pattern work!) My tendency to offer to take on tasks rather than hand them out which led to a feeling of overwhelm at times. I also had the chance to teach at the workshop and (seeing an opportunity to work on Avoiding and Hiding patterns, fear of public speaking, etc I signed my name to work with a more experienced teacher, Aiyanna.
She gave me some valuable treasures. When I told her of my nervousness she showed me how to turn it around and view it as a gift! It helped so much, as did working on Trust. And more Trust.
The weekend was a great success- a lot of people came, it was very profound and felt like such an honour to have Yuan Tze and Melissa with us.
The next week, I had a big pattern work opportunity! I didn’t see it at the time but I had become very attached to the process and also the feelings of value I was getting from the praise – Oh yes, there was most certainly some arrogance and greediness creeping in there. As well as Perfectionism, Envy, Approval Seeking….
So, of course, when I ‘failed’ at a post workshop task which I had envisaged as being a Grand Finale to a successful weekend, I experienced a fall to earth with a big bump. Suddenly this image I had built up of myself was shattered. My whole image of this high achieving, capable, multi-skilled, organised teacher crumbled and left me feeling very insecure and vulnerable.
The next Full Moon theme after the workshop was Greediness. What a great way to see how I had been greedy for more praise and recognition through taking on more roles where I could receive this praise. Although my motivation to do the teaching was just to push myself and develop my skills, I didn’t see that my feelings of inadequacy led me to seek approval from others and look externally to raise my self esteem and self confidence.
After I had managed to steer the my ship out of the stormy pattern waters with help from friends, teachers and lots of work on self- love and 5 Xin ( I also shared it at a class as an example of Greediness and how we look externally) that raw, vulnerable, confused, inadequate feeling shifted to humility, gentleness and forgiveness.
I learned such valuable lessons. It was a bit of a roller coaster! But I would do it all again.
Thank you to all of you who supported me and who are sharing in this beautiful journey.