Chapter Seven: From Dawn to Dusk
(March 31, 2018)
I lie over the grass and look up at the stars. I know that the greatest love story ever told is the one right before my eyes. As I begin to write this story I have yet to know what it will be: a tragedy like that of Romeo and Juliet or a simple comedy? Appropriate at first glance yet, they share a secret between themselves. My Moon Goddess and Sun God, I see your whispers fall down! They pour inside me from dawn to dusk. I breathe in awe for the scent is a beautiful sight!
Yesterday, I assumed that these two were cursed. Day in and night out, never to be together for one must govern the day while the other rules the night. Slaves to the cosmic law of balance with no place to go but round and round again. One always approaches yet the other pulls away. Left to wonder why she runs while in her eyes he does it too; in the same way.
On Earth, they have been told to look away. How he brings them light and power yet…they still look away! He feels good on their skin but it burns if they stay. Shining so bright that others naturally gravitate. Yet, he radiates alone! Why? Is it a price to pay?
As for her, she is hurt by the superstitious. Beware of her fullness; she brings out deadly creatures they say! Why must she be the bigger person inside? Her compassion is innocent but put to the trial. She receives only pain: the chaotic side of things. These are the forgotten children, the most wounded within.
But today… Today feels brighter! My perspective has changed. I do not curse them for together they reign!
A love she will forever invite. An image so far-fetched to her yet never out of sight. They are never apart just look at the skies. How together they stand each sunset and sunrise. Always reaching to her even through space. Don’t be fooled by Earthly touches, there is always a space.
“My love for her keeps me ignited. It’s a fire, a phoenix, a love that consumes and fuels me within. I honor her space. She is in joy so beaming. How I watch her dance and twirl around the Earth: it’s her sacred rhythm. She is the midnight sun that rises in her domain. You would tear her apart yet she flourishes there. And; so does a million plants and creatures for whom she truly cares.”
I leave you with a riddle
In order for you to see
That within the balance
There is no he or she…
Who am I?
I am the black hole that creates the skies so bright.
I am the sphere that illuminates the dark.
I am your brightest sight: a Deity among the stars!
I am the drive of love that possesses a lion’s might.
I am the tribal pull that pushes wolves to howl.
I am the peace within that manifests in all.
I am the balance and cosmic force.
I am the midnight sun or the noon moon.
I am your mirrored reflection.
I am the Sun God and the Moon Goddess.
I am everything and nothing.
I am two opposing truths which exist at the same time.
I am the change in perspective!
I am the Yin and Yang that holds you in balance.
Written by Nathalie Sabbagh
Finding the balance! That’s what Lucy’s friendship did for me. She was the one that had the courage to say “Nathalie you might not realize it yet but this is a good thing; you will get through this”. I needed to hear that. I was a flip flopping mess ping ponging from one extreme to another with my past, present, and future playing haunting mind games.I needed an outlet! Lucy invited me to a QiGong meditation class. This was a few weeks after the chaos of March 6th, 2017. Perhaps I shall forever call it “La tombée de ma Bastille” or “My Great Fortress Fall” . I was afraid of going to unfamiliar places but the other option was to stay at home and “We” still lived together. Fear of coming home to face reality outweighed the fear of going out in public. I chose to go.That’s the funny thing about fear; it got me to grow, get out of my comfort zone, and find myself again.
I still remember my first QiGong class: scarred, skinny, and dressed all in black. I had written street directions on a piece of paper. By the time I got to class my heart was pounding; startled by the recent “unknown city” road trip. That class created a moment of peace and stillness: one that I desperately needed. I immersed myself in every movement letting my body forget its material presence. QiGong naturally demands this… how convenient!
I started to practice Yuan Tze Ren Xue; a specific type of Qigong. The teachings made sense to me. It was as if I had known about QiGong techniques my entire life. It felt like a process of remembering old knowledge once forgotten.
First, QiGong taught me to feel my feelings! If you feel sad than give yourself permission to feel sad. Don’t dismiss it, immerse yourself in it, observe it, and find the root cause. Emotions are not supposed to be extreme expressive forms. Repressed emotions did that to me. My voice came out from the shadows and it was angry, defensive, shaky, frightened, and slightly high pitched. It took months to draw myself inwards to find the root cause of this problem. Lucy helped me get to the bottom of it through an emotional meditative journey. I knew that it would involve tears; many tears. I didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of others but Lucy was my closest friend and so I agreed. I knew exactly where to go to find it. I still remembered the day when I decided to give my voice away. I was barely 9. Remembering is not enough to heal. I had to plunge inwards to find the hidden emotions. I had to feel them, face them, and give them the words that I once took away. I forgave myself, all parties involved, and it was finally released. The journey took a couple of hours. I came out looking like a wreck. My eyes swollen shut from the tears shed, my chest sore almost bruised from the emotional baggage, and lastly my vocal cords completely shut. I slept like a baby that night. It took about 4 months for my vocal cords to finally settle down. I asked my QiGong teacher about it. She told me that all physical illnesses are associated with a specific behavior that has been repeated over a long period of time. The patterned behavior starts with a single thought associated with an emotion. Identifying the root cause and setting it free provokes the body to heal because the cause is no longer trapped inside. Pain is your body’s way of saying: “Hey you! Pay attention to me! Heal me!”. We avoid pain by taking pills and when that fails we take pills on top of pills with more pills on the side. We forgot our natural abilities to heal. Keeping my real thoughts and feelings inside affected my vocal cords to a certain extent. Releasing the pain meant that the affected body part could revert back to its healthy state which meant 4 months of raspy voice.
Second, it taught me to be present in everything that I do. Achieving this requires one to be in every moment. Allow your mind to be where it is. If you are washing the dishes than be in that task. Slow your movements, calm your mind, and give yourself permission to be there. It’s easy to multitask or lose your mind to worries that have yet to happen. Being present and in every moment is tricky but isn’t as hard as one thinks. Soon enough you start to exude a sense of inner joy or what they call a QiGong state. Being calm opens up the doors to magic where your thoughts start to manifest into reality. Your perspective on life starts to change. The people around you start to change. You start to change. You hold your diamond in your hand and decide which angle to take. You watch everything around you change depending on your perspective.
Lucy and I had a lot of fun exploring these two principles. We created beautiful adventurous days with three rules at play: go with the flow (aka feel your feelings), be in the moment (aka QiGong state), and no expectations (aka I said be in the moment)! Going with the flow carved yellow brick roads of wonders.