When I went to California for my first retreat, I brought with me a very old and heavy load of negativity and unhappiness, as well as a very dark and angry state of mind. Rivers of tears didn’t wash out my resistance and critical mind but I knew that this was THE path! So for the last 6 years I have been working toward a better life and self with more understanding of their laws, and life started to make more sense. I felt more alive and my fortress scrambled a bit…but my lack of trust (and all of the 5 Xin – trust, openness, love, gratitude and Gongjing – respect) and self-worth were a huge obstacle that prevented me from being completely involved in my own growth and believing in it. Most of the time it was too painful to look at my “bad sides”, so I kept everything at an intellectual level and I was using some of the Yuan Gong methods as a beautiful and comforting refuge, an escape, instead of trying to unify my worlds…
So that’s where I was when I went to the Canadian retreat, holding on to what I knew with a controlling and frightened mind – and vaguely hoping to experience some kind of eye improvement!!
What I got instead totally and deeply changed everything inside and out!!
I was about to keep this experience to myself, as usual, hiding behind a convenient shyness but I was woken up one night by some of Yuan Tze’s words about sharing…so I did share during the retreat, with a slight nervousness – nothing like a panic attack, thanks to the supportive Qifield!!
From the first day I felt a strong desire to go to the morning practice in the music room, one of those special places filled with Yuan Tze’s loving and transformative Qifield ! The word Xin Ling (heart consciousness) was also very attractive and poetic to me, it really resonated inside me.
So on Wednesday morning during a practice creatively lead by Sylvie, when I was gathering Qi in front of me, I suddenly realized that I never understood the exchange principle, always taking, taking greedily from the Universe. I then tried to give back what I could, with a sincere awkwardness, and suddenly I felt surrounded by a warm goldish light, and my body was closely wrapped in an even brighter gold/yellow light of pure, limitless, indescribable LOVE! It was so soft, so gentle, so safe and so deeply moving! I didn’t want to cry, fearing that I might lose this incredible moment. I thought I loved my children with all my heart, but this was totally different!
Then most of the day I felt in harmony with myself, with others (including the people who used to trigger some unnecessary reactions!) and the environment, as if nothing was really important. Even my sore joints and neck were not there…emptiness…lightness…except for the lower Dantian, where I had a feeling of fullness, stability, balance and peace. I felt more real, more unified I guess. I felt like a new person, as if nothing would be the same anymore…and it hasn’t!
Later my old self tried a come-back with a bit of anxiety about how to re-adapt to ‘normal’ life, but I went inside where it was still expanding and changing, and a vast, boundless space opened in front of my forehead, making me realize that now I just have to let go as much as possible and trust this newly open world inside and outside which is so much bigger than me.
It has been one month now since the retreat and I am amazed everyday by the discovery of myself, the new born 5 Xin and clarity, the beauty of life and the Universe and the infinite possibilities. The adventure (or the real work!) is just starting.
There is no word to express my deep gratitude to Yuan Tze, Melissa and Sylvie