I wanted to share a funny story from the NZ retreat. Perhaps you can relate.
Sometimes my inner thoughts when I’m practising are quite still. Most of the time though I’m reminding myself to focus internally rather than on my to-do list. About the third to last night of the retreat during evening practice I found my mind wandering as we began Tian Yuan. I had ‘battled’ some strong patterns the last few days and felt proud of myself for remaining in a good state (for the most part), while working through what had come up. But as I began moving my arms up the sides this isn’t what came to mind. Instead, with each arm movement I thought to myself…
“I don’t really need to reach enlightenment; is it really even possible?; maybe it’s not in my law of life anyway so why try; this self-development is a lot of work and I’m tired; my patterns aren’t so bad…” thoughts like that. Then at about the time to transition to the front I had another thought…. “Oh sh*t, I hope Yuan Tze can’t hear my thoughts!” Sorry for the swearing but it’s exactly what came to my mind. I actually giggled at myself and kept on practising.
Sometimes I think I’m not such a serious REN XUE practitioner but at least I can laugh at myself ?